Final Nursery Crimes

Nursery Criminals:

Humpty Dumpty: Alcoholic
Crime: Drunk and Disorderly / Criminal Damage

Georgie Porgie: Stalker
Crime: Harrasment / Breaking restraint order

Mary: Young Mother
Crime: Underage sex / Indecent exposure

Little Miss Muffet: Asbo holder
Crime: Assult / Young offender

Papa: Husband
Crime: Domestic Abuse / Assult

Three Blind Mice: Gang of thieves
Crime: Robbery

Little Bo Cheap: Teenager
Crime: Victim of assult / mugging

Bar-Bra: Druggie
Crime: Drug Dealing / Drug abuse

Sad old man from York: Suffers from depression
Crime: Suspected Suicide / Murder

Jack & Jill Horner: Married Couple
Crime: Murder


Nursery Crimes:

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty dumpty had a great fall,
All the police horses and all the police men,
Noticed the bottle of Vodka and Gin.
So he got to his feet with a crack on his head,
and tried to listen to his rights being read.
His clothing, his breath, what a terrible smell,
for tonight my friend will be spent in a cell.

Georgie Porgie pudding and pie,
Would watch this girl as she walked by.
He told no one, a typical liar,
For she was his dark desire.

Mary, Mary quite contrary,
what is that bump on your tummy,
for you are only 14 years young,
and soon to become a mummy.
So Mary, Mary quite contrary,
how did you become a mum?
'With mini skirts and low cut tops,
and thongs that ride up my bum.'

Little Miss Muffet
Sat on her tuffet,
Eating a kebab and chips,
Along came a man with a terrible plan,
And tried to kiss her on the lips.
Little Miss Muffet,
Got up from her tuffet,
And smacked the man right in the face,
She broke his jaw as he fell to the floor,
And claimed she put him in his place.

Hush, my darling, don't say a word,
I really wouldn't want you to be heard,
Now this might hurt and this might sting,
but soon you shouldn't feel a thing,
and if you struggle, if you strike,
I will do things you will not like,
and when it's over and you fall down,
you'll still be the sweetest wife in town.

Three blind mice,
Three blind mice,
See how they run, see how they run.
With bags full of money from their local bank,
When the police caught up their heart surely sank,
They only have themselves to thank,
Those three blind mice.

Little Bo peep, is really quite cheap,
and claims to have men round her finger.
The aims a cheap thrill,
just go in for the kill,
she's not bothered if they never ring her.
So off she took,
with her little phone book,
to try and arrange her evening,
bumped into a man,
flaunted all she can,
and followed as he said 'I'm leaving'.
It was now getting dark,
as they walked through the park,
where he placed a knife to her gut,
'give me your bag, you dirty fat slag,
or your belly's not the only thing ill cut'

Bar-bra crack whore, have you any gear?
Yes sir, Yes sir, three bags here.
One for my master, one for the game,
One for the lady-boy who lives down the lane.

The sad old man from York,
He had not a single friend.
He marched himself to the top of the hill,
and he jumped back down again.
And when he was high he was high,
and when he was down he was down,
And as he jumped, not a tear was shed,
for the answer he had found.

Mr Jack Horner,
Sat in the corner,
too scared to move his hands from his head,
For Mrs Jill Horner,
with hatred inside her,
had fetched a sledge hammer from the shed.